After a long hiatus, we are finally getting new episodes of one of my favorite shows, Who is Going to Win A Kiss From Daddy? On last week's premiere, we jumped right back in where we left off--perennial screw-up Kendall Roy (Jeremy Strong) has double-crossed parental screw-up Logan Roy (Brian Cox) and exposed a years-long pattern of abuse and mismanagement under Logan's watch. This, of course, puts the company and Logan in danger of legal repercussions and divides the family in two, but more importantly it prompts me to ask every five minutes "Wait, what is a board of directors? Can you just call the president and ask him to not prosecute you? How do you testify in front of Congress and is it fun? Is this how any of this works?"
I love Succession because I never have any idea, from moment to moment, what is going on and why it is happening. The rich folks are mad and they use metaphors written in WingDings and that's enough for me, folks! It's Shakespearean in that it's like King Lear and also in that I'm sure I learned about the socio-political world in a class once but I certainly don't remember it.
On the whole, I love this about the show. I understand the dramatic stakes and I enjoy the performances and sometimes they just say words that I've never heard before. I didn't really get the construction of Westeros or giving birth to dragons on Game of Thrones and I don't really understand "having millions of dollars". It's fine!
Nevertheless, each episode of previous seasons did leave me with a few questions that keep me up at night because I know that I'm never going to get answers for them. They are less questions like "what do all the older white men around Logan Roy do? Are they all vice presidents? What does a vice president do?" and more simplistic, throwaways, inconsequential. The first two episodes of Season 3 have had the same effect. I've sent a DM with my queries to Kieran Culkin but until he responds, I'm going to just ask you.
Kendall's drug friend/board ringer Stewy (Arian Moayed) had a giant, like 7-foot, Trojan Horse statue delivered to Kendall's ex-wife's apartment. I guess as a gesture of solidarity? As a calling card? (Whatever happened to calling cards, by the way? I would love to visit a friend and leave a card with my name in it in a silver dish by the front door. It's like classy littering and we need to bring it back).
Anyway, Stewy found a huge horse and found people to deliver it within, maybe, 36 hours of Kendall declaring war on the family. And I know that when you are rich in New York you can basically pull any rabbit out of any hat. (Or any army of Trojan soldiers out of any horse, I guess). But this isn't the kind of thing you can just order up on DoorDash, is what I'm saying. How did Stewy (or, really, Stewy's assistant) find this horse?!
I have tried googling "Where to get Trojan Horse NYC" but it just tells me to buy condoms. This is a nightmare! I cannot rest until I know where this horse came from!
I'll stop now.
Logan delivered donuts to Kendall's hideaway while all the kids were meeting to decide whether to stab Logan in the back. I think this is a nice gesture. I absolutely hate every meeting that doesn't have snacks. And this era of Zoom meetings where I have to eat my own snacks in my own house? FORGET ABOUT IT. I am filing a formal complaint with OSHA. I will not stand for this.
Connor (Alan Ruck) wanted to eat one of the donuts because of course he did. But the other kids were fairly certain there was a chance the donuts were poisoned. So now I need to know if there is a poison donut store in New York and whether it's the same store as the horse? Is it next door to the horse? Is there a block where you go for threatening gifts? Is that block affected by supply chain issues?
Logan's in Sarajevo which is six hours ahead of New York and yet every time we saw him as he confabbed with his kids he was fully dressed and running around the hotel room. If it was the middle of the night in New York it was dawn in Sarajevo and yet he's still pressed (both emotionally and suit-wise). Incredible!
Connor wants to turn Willa's (Justine Lupe) bad play into a hate-watch so he can turn a profit. But I don't think Connor would have the foresight as a producer to put the play on the discount sites. I think he would want people to pay full price for the privilege of hating the play.
Gerri (J. Smith-Cameron) screenshots her name on the ticker of a cable business news channel when she's announced as CEO. I want to know what kind of mom texter she is. Is it completely out of context? Just a picture and no direction. Classic. Or is she super warm and addicted to emojis? "Mommy made the news! 🤯 📺 🙈" Or is she all business? "Hello. Please see the attached with some exciting career developments. Love, Mom." I need to know!
I'm sorry, I'm back on this. Just... we all know the big thing about a Trojan horse is that you let it in because you're like "Wow, I love art!" but then it's full of soldiers who are here to kill you. So if I were Kendall my big question would be "So, uh, what is inside said equine there and does it want me dead?" It does feel important to ask.
Kendall took over the apartment, his girlfriend and Greg (Nicholas Braun) opened the heirloom wine, the Roy adult children held a meeting in Kendall's daughter's bedroom, and the dining room table has been turned into mission control. WHERE IS THIS FAMILY? Are they in the panic room with Jodie Foster? Is there another home that's specifically for riding out crises? Did the kids leave their backpacks in their rooms by accident and did Rava (Natalie Gold) have to write a note to the teacher that said something like "Sorry, we're out of sorts today because of a corporate takeover"?
Like direct deposit or is he just giving her a check? Does Kendall have money? How is this working, in general? Does she just assume he's going to pay her in backpay when he takes over? This is stressing me out.
Like, she definitely thought she was there to hook up, right? No shade to this woman and her terrible taste in men. Cousin Greg is tall. It's a fact! And he has the capacity to look like this so... I'll allow it.
Cover photo: Macall B. Polay/HBO
Editorial assistant: Sean Simon